"I Am Going To Live"

“I know better now, and so I am trying to do better. It is painful because the old ways are so comfortable but I know in my heart that pain is the only thing that will bloom if I go backwards and plant the same seeds I always did.

I want to feel the sun kiss my skin, and watch the light grow inside of me. So yes, I know better, and yes I will try to do better. I will trust that this uncomfortable feeling will fade into peace, and I will be one step closer to being free in me.

I am letting go of many things, thoughts, feelings, and people that have weighed me down until the water filled my lungs. I am learning how to breathe again without them, and it feels bittersweet but I know this is what is right for me. 

I won’t explain or justify myself to anyone. I will live out my life with joy, with peace, with honesty, and I will not let anything unravel me again.

This is my story, and beautiful things will be written in each page. The light will soak into my words, and I will come alive in each chapter. No more holding back. No more pleasing you. No more making myself small to make you more. I am here, and I am going to take up space. I am going to live.”

- Dele Olanubi (via bealightinthedark)

Welcoming 2014!

Happy New Year everyone!

I'm assuming that at the rate I've been blogging, this platform has gone back to it's original state of pouring out these thoughts in my head! Since we're welcoming the new year, a mandatory first post goes without saying.

Looking back, I've always believed in living life with no regret and I've definitely fulfilled that belief in 2013. The previous year was all about healing for me and I'm really glad about how much I've progressed from that. As much as I've experienced a fair bit of disappointing moments this past year, I've also experienced an equivalent amount of rewarding moments, which I've been absolutely thankful for. But most of all, I'm glad that I've finally learned to slowly let go of negative feelings and at the same time, grown to understand myself a little bit better.

2014 is going to be an awesome year, with new plans laid out. Slowly but surely, I will definitely accomplish these goals! These year, I'm all about going full force in chasing winds and bullet dreams! ;)

Why I Disconnected to Reconnect

While I was in South Korea a few months back, I embarked on a trip to do some #seoulsearching. Yes, I discovered so much about this city that I haven't met, but loved so dearly; and while I did that, I found myself amidst some real soul searching.

It felt surreal to be back home and it almost felt like I crashed straight into reality. It hit me really hard. I found the need to disconnect from everything, while I tried to find out 'what was wrong with me?' No, it didn't feel like I was diving back into depressive episodes. This time, it was different.

While I journeyed into this self-discovery, the endless chatter continued into the background and while frustration built up, no one could reason with what was going on in my head. Apparently, having a day that belonged to me alone, was too much to ask for. That, was disappointment at it's best.

Some brushed it off as being 'selfish' while the others said, it was 'child-like'; until it triggered an anxiety attack. For hours, I've poured tears and words, but honestly, it was something that could not have been understood.

All there was to it, was the fact that I've been to strong for too long, that everyone started to take it for granted. I was tired of fixing things, being everyone's backbone and punching bag, and most of all, silent.

Days, weeks and even months went by, as I retreated into having some reflective 'alone' time. If you truly understood me, you would know that I am an extremely dependent person and something like this, would have been considered an abnormal behavior.

Someone recently mentioned that a person is bound to feel lonely at some point in time and the real answer is, of course I do. In fact, all the time.

In these months, I've grown to become accustomed to being on my own. No expectations and just committed to my responsibilities. I only have myself to count on. I may have felt very alone indeed, but I've also discovered and learned to value the ones that would truly stand by me, and most of all, the ones that appreciated me for who I really am.

I've  decided to let go of these negative feelings of betrayal, because at the end of the day, the one that got hurt, was me. For trying to protect the ones that I love, I got hurt in return. Well, I must truly apologize for placing expectations towards the people that do not seem to value me the same way. Although sometimes it still tugs at my heart, I can only learn to let them go.

What Aggressive Skating Means To Me

I've been wanting to find the time to sit down and blog about this, but never really got around to it. And since I do have some time to spare, here it goes..

I started skating again some time last year, when I bought a pair of 2nd hand skates for a steal of $10! The only reason why I didn't skate much previously, was because I refused to purchase a pair of skates. An investment of $200-$300 on a pair of skates did not make any sense to me. It was also then, that I found out that my oldest brother had also purchased a pair of skates not too long ago and had been skating weekly. I really enjoyed skating again but it wasn't long before that pair of skates gave way and after finding too much joy in skating, I somehow ended up purchasing a brand new pair of skates without much thought.

Even though I found joy in skating, I was and still am a terrible skater -.- In fact, there is probably not one lamppost in East Coast Park that I haven't crashed into. The only thing that I was capable of doing was rolling back and forth. I did not know how to slow down, stop or even turn, and it was because of that, that I ended up having a bad fall and suffering from a broken tail bone and torn ligaments in the mid-section of my back and knee.

Still, it wasn't long before I started skating again and this time, I did things the right way, by learning how to turn and brake. I'm still really bad at it, but it is definitely an improvement, comparing to when I first started skating. It was also then, that my oldest brother went back to aggressive skating and it wasn't long before he gifted me with a pair of aggressive skates as an advanced birthday present.

Introducing to you guys, my blue baby, the Valo TV.2.

Although I was overwhelmed with fear (in fact, I still am), I decided to try something new. And honestly, the only reason why I was enthusiastic about skating in general, is probably because it's the perfect excuse that I've got to spend a little more time with my oldest brother. In fact, as time went by, I found skating to be the perfect way to relief stress - on top of the fact that you do get a really good workout from skating as well.

I know that a lot of people would describe me as someone with a really girly personality and find it hard to believe that I picked up aggressive skating. But let's be honest here, the things that I'm doing are the very basic tricks which even I find as an embarrassment, because my fear of falling/pain, is hindering my progress to move forward and sometimes, it really upsets me. Of course it really upsets me even more, when my brother loses his patience and passes off comments like "You're not trying hard enough", "You're stubborn and lazy" or "You are just to scared to do anything."

I believe that everyone progresses differently and that I should attempt things according to my confidence and comfortably at my own pace. With my lack of self confidence, it makes me feel extremely terrible when it seems like my efforts or attempts are not being recognized, especially in comparison to my 2nd brother who has progressed a lot faster than me, after recently picking up aggressive skating.

Still, I find it important to inculcate the habit of never giving up. And although my progress is moving terribly slowly, I find joy in being in the company of the family and friends that I've made (even though they can be really annoying and mean to me) and it has also been a great form to release all that work stress!

So even though my friends have been telling me that it's about time that I hang those skates up and spend a little more time on everything else, I have to say that.. aggressive skating is a blessing to me, because it was an opportunity that reunited both my brothers and I.

Theoretically, aggressive skating has become, part of my heart.