Why I Disconnected to Reconnect

While I was in South Korea a few months back, I embarked on a trip to do some #seoulsearching. Yes, I discovered so much about this city that I haven't met, but loved so dearly; and while I did that, I found myself amidst some real soul searching.

It felt surreal to be back home and it almost felt like I crashed straight into reality. It hit me really hard. I found the need to disconnect from everything, while I tried to find out 'what was wrong with me?' No, it didn't feel like I was diving back into depressive episodes. This time, it was different.

While I journeyed into this self-discovery, the endless chatter continued into the background and while frustration built up, no one could reason with what was going on in my head. Apparently, having a day that belonged to me alone, was too much to ask for. That, was disappointment at it's best.

Some brushed it off as being 'selfish' while the others said, it was 'child-like'; until it triggered an anxiety attack. For hours, I've poured tears and words, but honestly, it was something that could not have been understood.

All there was to it, was the fact that I've been to strong for too long, that everyone started to take it for granted. I was tired of fixing things, being everyone's backbone and punching bag, and most of all, silent.

Days, weeks and even months went by, as I retreated into having some reflective 'alone' time. If you truly understood me, you would know that I am an extremely dependent person and something like this, would have been considered an abnormal behavior.

Someone recently mentioned that a person is bound to feel lonely at some point in time and the real answer is, of course I do. In fact, all the time.

In these months, I've grown to become accustomed to being on my own. No expectations and just committed to my responsibilities. I only have myself to count on. I may have felt very alone indeed, but I've also discovered and learned to value the ones that would truly stand by me, and most of all, the ones that appreciated me for who I really am.

I've  decided to let go of these negative feelings of betrayal, because at the end of the day, the one that got hurt, was me. For trying to protect the ones that I love, I got hurt in return. Well, I must truly apologize for placing expectations towards the people that do not seem to value me the same way. Although sometimes it still tugs at my heart, I can only learn to let them go.